Wednesday, 4 February 2009


Britain faced the prospect of chaos again today when it was announced that sunny spells were on the way.

The Winter has brought some of the worst conditions since records began. Some are even the worst on CD. Thousands of residents - legal or otherwise - were forced to take one look out of their frosted windows and decide not to even try to struggle into work. The knock-on effects should not be underestimated. With so many people staying at home, the poor sales of pick ‘n’ mix sweets left Woolworths with no option but to sell off their furniture and announce irreversible closures.

Suddenly, sunny spells are breaking out all over the country and people are starting to panic.

North East males aged between 14 and 25 were already packing away their T-shirts and could be forced to resort to long-sleeved hoodies as mercury rises in thermometers all over the UK. ‘Well, we can’t walk around in T-shirts when the temperatures are no longer sub-zero, can we?’ an idiot said today.

Drivers are advised to slow down as the ice and snow recedes. A spokesman revealed: ‘There’s little point in driving too fast when the roads aren’t slippy’.

Distressed children as young as 18 could be forced to stop throwing snow-covered bricks at buses and return to their schools.

Earlier this week, a weatherman was found stuffing a map full of pictures of snow clouds, despite being ordered to report an end to the cold weekend. He claimed he didn’t want to create panic and was only ‘…acting in the interests of the public and giving hope to celebrity sledgers like Lily Allen’

The latest theory has it that an outlook of sunny spells has caused panic ever since we lost the Empire. One professor said: ’When we took over a quarter of the globe we nearly always chose sunny places. Since we lost them all, we just aren’t used to nice weather any more’.

Meanwhile, if you’d like to see how things are when it really snows, have a look at this…


Anonymous said...

Awesome snow pictures :-p

Sean Marsh said...

I have contacts!