Happy Christmas!

Ah! Christmas morning. Time to tune in my favourite radio to see what's going on in the world...

>>>>>...The new private mode of transport for the Business Secretary of the coalition cabinet was unveiled today. It's called a Cable Car...<<<<<

Retune

<<<<<....Heather Mills today denied claims that her new diamond encrusted gold spare leg was an extravagance at odds with her otherwise charitable status. In a statement, she said, 'I don't know...all this fuss about a little stocking filler'...>>>>>

Retune

<<<<<...in a rare interview, a former minder of one of London's most notorious gangsters has revealed more about the ruthless nature of his former employer. 'He was a really uncompromising, unforgiving man. I remember that time when a bird did a poo on his brand new car. He finished with her immediately...'>>>>>

Retune

<<<<<'So here it is...!'...>>>>>

Retune

>>>>>Yes! It's the Marsh Towers Christmas message! Coming to you live, several hours before the one from HRH. So if she uses the same jokes, you'll know who did them first...<<<<<

YO HO HO!

This was taken a few years ago.

I've changed since then. And shaved.

So, to all of you sitting at home...what are you doing in my house...!?

Here's a few random thoughts for this most festive of occasions:

Be kind to your neighbours. Why not pop around and check that they are OK during this harsh winter? (Especially if they are holding a parcel for you from a missed delivery).

Feed the birds (if nothing else, it keeps them away from gangsters' cars).

Keep the box. It might have to go back.

Don't go to war unless you really, really have to and/or it makes the trains run on time.

If you must go out today...just get on with it without all the fuss already! It's not THAT bad outside.

Find a space between your trench and the trench of your enemy and have a quick game of football (but don't mention the score).

Always check your spellings carefully. Remember the unfortunate case of the ancient order of monks who, for 400 years, mis-quoted the word 'celebrate' in their ancient scriptures as 'celibate'.

Eat the last chocolate in the box, guilt-free. There's plenty more in the cupboard.

Tune into BBC1 tonight at 6.00 p.m.

So, dear friends old and new, consistent friends, lazy friends, Facebook friends, those-I've-not-even-met-yet-friends, Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, stable boys, unstable boys and anyone else who happens to be reading (how exactly did you find this page...!?) my message is this: enjoy your life! Yes, it's as simple as that.

Retune

>>>>...Few sporting fixtures have survived the extreme conditions. There is just one Scottish football result to tell you about: East Fife 4, Forfar 5....<<<<<

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible...